I Am Different: A Journey To Diagnosis, A Guest Blog By Alyssa Goodwine, MA, LCMHC, LPC

Disclaimer: We want to affirm our commitment to neurodiversity and inclusive language practices. We utilize identity-first language, acknowledging the preferences of the community we serve. Therefore, you may notice us referring to individuals as "autistic people" rather than "people with autism." This choice reflects our dedication to respecting the autonomy and identity of each individual. Studies have indicated that many within the autistic community prefer the term "autistic person," emphasizing the importance of recognizing and honoring diverse perspectives. Thank you for joining us on this journey of understanding and acceptance.

Hey, Alyssa here! It’s been 8 months this October since my official Autism diagnosis and 1.5 years since my ADHD diagnosis.  Why did it take me until my thirties to receive these diagnoses that are often diagnosed during childhood?  Great question and a long conversation for another day!

It was not until my therapist brought up ADHD during a session that I had even thought about any sort of neurodivergence, especially not Autism.  For years and years, at this point a solid at least 10 years where symptoms were more identifiable, I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder, which turned to Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and added some Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), with a sprinkle of trichotillomania (hair-pulling) and dermatillomania (skin-picking).

Because just throwing on diagnoses makes the most sense, right?

I did not understand how I could be just collecting all of these diagnoses, engaging in therapy, engaging in medication management and I STILL could not function. I had therapists asking me why I was in therapy, telling me I was very self-aware, and seem to have things under control. Just talking didn’t help me. 

My anxiety was a result of my inability to complete daily tasks, getting distracted, forgetfulness.  I was self-soothing by picking my skin, especially my cuticles, and overgrooming myself, and I really could not control it due to the amount of comfort it was bringing me.  As I began doing more research into ADHD, I started coming across information about Autism.  Not just research and medically peer reviewed things, but it was almost like social media’s algorithms knew what I needed.  I started seeing more about autistic women often being late diagnosed and presenting differently; I was seeing how BIPOC women were often misdiagnosed and mislabeled.  I strongly related to what I was seeing and reading.  I felt seen for the first time.  It’s almost like I knew at that moment what my answer was.  BUT “You can’t be autistic. There’s no way you can be autistic.  Everyone will think I am crazy if I say I think I’m autistic.”  That’s what I was telling myself. 

I had this picture of what society tells us Autism looks like in the back of my head. That wasn’t me.

I even went so far as to text my partner a whole novel for a text message stating, “I probably sound crazy, but I swear I think I’m autistic.”  I went on to say that I was just going to get the ADHD evaluation because “I must just be overthinking” and “You’re a mental health therapist. You should know if you have ADHD and/or Autism”.  And that’s what I did.  I got the ADHD evaluation in February 2023 and that was it.  I felt like I had another piece to the puzzle.  BUT I STILL felt like something was missing.  I still felt like this was not the answer to my questions and this was not the answer I was seeking.  I was still struggling in my day to day, I still did not feel like I belonged within any sort of social group.  I felt… different.  I just knew I wasn’t the same.  I could never keep friends, struggle to react appropriately, felt awkward around others, including family, and I never understood why.  

Fast forward to February 2024, I finally decided to get a psychological evaluation, BUT it HAD to be with someone who was a neuro-affirming provider, who had experience diagnosing and identifying autism in adult women and BIPOC.  I saw the horror stories from other autistic folks and I did NOT want to go through that.  And as a mental health provider, I figured, “How hard could it be to find someone?”  WOAH! I received a rude awakening.  Do I just find someone who accepts my insurance, likely has a wait, and more than likely will not be neuro-affirming? OR do I go private pay, pay out of pocket, without knowing if I will even be reimbursed by my insurance? 

THE STRUGGLE WAS REAL! 

I decided that it would be important for me to see someone private pay and attempt to seek reimbursement because for me, having a great experience with someone who is experienced with this population was important for me.  I did not want cookie cutter, provide me a screener that wasn’t made for me, tell me I speak and engage well, I can look at them when I speak, so there’s no way that I’m autistic.  I knew how that would impact me.  I know and understand not everyone has the same privilege of accessing such services, which is sad that folks are made to jump through hoops.  Throughout the entire process- the questions asked, the tools used-before even reviewing the report, I knew I was autistic.  I left the session that day with a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. 

I felt like my whole life from childhood forward makes sense. I felt peace.

Alyssa is a licensed therapist in North Carolina and South Carolina. She’s a biracial, queer woman, and was late diagnosed Autistic and ADHD. She enjoys spending time with her fiancé and their three cats, Cali, Orion, and Blue. Right now, she’s into crocheting, platform shoes, and baggy sweatshirts. You Can Find Alyssa on the interwebz on Instagram and TikTok: @Ms.Lyssss