Reflections upon a neurodivergent Pride: A Guest Blog By Rainn Stone, LMSW, GTC
Disclaimer: We want to affirm our commitment to neurodiversity and inclusive language practices. We utilize identity-first language, acknowledging the preferences of the community we serve. Therefore, you may notice us referring to individuals as "autistic people" rather than "people with autism." This choice reflects our dedication to respecting the autonomy and identity of each individual. Studies have indicated that many within the autistic community prefer the term "autistic person," emphasizing the importance of recognizing and honoring diverse perspectives. Thank you for joining us on this journey of understanding and acceptance.
Before I knew the words ADHD, Autistic, or Trans, I knew the word wrong. I am trans non-binary and AuDHD none of which I understood until my 20’s. With it being June and Pride Month, I always find myself flooded by emotions this time of year- especially these last few years being Pride months that almost never existed- Pride months Rainn got to be a part of. See, a few years ago I could have never imagined openly owning both my neurodivergent and queer identities- I didn’t even have the words for them. I was still trying to perfect the part of neurotypical straight cis girl (a role of which I will NOT be revising,) still using my deadname, the wrong pronouns, and hating myself for not understanding why I just couldn’t be the person everyone expected. Why did being called Miss make me want to scream and cry? Why did my “female coded” voice and body make me want to claw my way out my skin? Why could I thrive as a therapist but not make a friend despite my best efforts? Why did it seem like everyone got some kind of handbook on how to be a human but me?
This year makes my second pride medically transitioning and having legally changed my name, and even typing that still brings tears to my eyes. The journey of learning to accept, love, and celebrate our identities is messy, imperfect, often painful, but I promise you, it is so worth it. Recently I was asked what my favorite part of being queer is.. And of course there are SO many amazing parts… my favorite though, is the way I get to show queer kids we DO grow up and we don’t just survive.. We can even thrive. Understanding and accepting my identity as an AuDHDer and learning the lifelong perhaps process of unmasking has helped me own my queer identities- and owning my queer identities has helped me own my neurodivergency. These intersectional identities have brought plenty of minority stress of course, and they have also brought so much joy.
Coming Out
Being raised in the deep south, I was raised with very strict conservative values. So, when I realized that tickling feeling of a crush on the cute girl with the black nail polish… I panicked. Similarly, when my grad school supervisor asked me if I was autistic, I also panicked. I was always considered the smart one. I never made any trouble. I was high masking and a people pleaser. I was quiet and kept to myself. I didn't ever have friends but that was OK I was just the weird kid but not too weird the good kind of weird. When I made my first non-binary friend as an adult and found out about being trans I’m pretty sure my heart stopped from fear. After a lifetime of denying myself, being perceived was terrifying and perceiving myself was equally as terrifying. In a moment I was becoming everything that I had been taught to stigmatize against. The years I have spent masking both my neurodivergency, my gender, and my sexuality, are years that I still grieve in a lot of big ways. Now, being a therapist, a neurodivergent coach, medically transitioning openly enby with a short rainbow haircut I wear proudly, and being openly Audhd many folx assume those are distant memories. The reality is, living as a person with intersectional marginalized identities can be terrifying even as I try to own them more and more every day. There are still days where playing the familiar neurotypical cis masked girl feels safer, more comfortable, no matter how suffocating. This is part of why Pride is so important. It is a month where we come together out of the shadows that try to overtake us and we celebrate our identities when they are so often erased.
In a recent queer autism group, I posed the question “Was it easier to come out as LGBTQ or autistic?” We had a variety of different answers, but the main take away was that there became a point for many of us trans folks where we were forced to come out. it can become harder to hide the changing voice or body shape as you move along your transition process. Many of us talked about how queer spaces are the only spaces we share that we are autistic in because they get what it’s like to feel on the outside, misunderstood, hidden, erased, or different. We also talked about how the longer you unmask the harder it can be to go back to masking. Mostly, we shared how terrifying it is to own your identities in a world that doesn’t always accept them and how those intersecting identities can make it even harder. We talked about losing family, friends, being misunderstood, being outcast, carefully choosing where in public to go to be safe. The air was heavy but bittersweet as we talked about all the things we have gained from owning ourselves but also that all of the things we will forever grieve. The dialects of life at times difficult to balance, but both worthy of honoring.
Unmasking and Pride
Pride can be incredibly overwhelming as an autistic person. It is big, it is loud, there are often lots of people, and the sensory demands can be so overwhelming. All that being said, it is the place I unmask the most in the entire world. Pride is a place where you get to own your authentic self, run around in circles if you want to, dress however you want, make stupid jokes, sing at the top of your lungs, it is a place full of people living their authentic joy. When I often think about unmasking I think about this idea of authenticity and I think that that’s why pride is so important for neurodivergent folks especially it is a space dedicated just for us to be us no expectations. It is also a place where I have had many bouts of sadness. We often grieve for the younger versions of ourselves that didn’t have the safety to be so authentically unmasked. We grieve for those who don’t yet have the words or safety to understand or embrace their identities. We grieve for those lost to the stigma and hate. Wherever joy goes- a little sadness goes too- and I think that’s true for being neurodivergent or LGBTQIA+.
There's a reason that there is such a big overlap between neurodivergency and queerness. Understanding the way that I just don’t understand or reject a lot of social norms helped me understand why gender had always been a big “no” from me. Unlearning other’s expectations of us whether it be to be neurotypical or cishet can be a scary yet exciting process. A big part of the transition process for me has been unlearning what it means to owe someone being ”pretty.” I think part of the unmasking process for me has been unlearning what it means to owe someone a fawn response of pleasing people. All the years of “I will be whatever you want” have to be unlearned in both cases and rather we have to learn to bravely become what we need.
Your True Colors Are Beautiful
Wherever you are on your journey of understanding your neurotype, your gender, your sexuality, or any other core aspect of yourself, I encourage you to approach yourself with radical compassion and patience. There is no timeline for figuring out who you are but rather I learn more about my neurodivergency and my queerness every single day. Let go of others expectations of you and your own learned expectations too but rather figure out what makes your heart sing. Find people and spaces where being your true self feels like your favorite option. Allow yourself to be messy, vulnerable, imperfect, and figuring things out. Make your life a place you want to be alive in. And don’t dull your rainbow for anyone permanently.
Meet Rainn Stone, LMSW, GTC
Rainn is a therapist with Joyworks Counseling and a Neurodivergent Coach with Tree of Life in Alabama. They specialize in Neurodivergence, LGBTQIA+ folx including gender affirming evaluations, trauma, children and adolescents, and work from an somatic and attachment, and self, social and body liberation lens. As a late diagnosed AuDHDer and an openly trans therapist Rainn knows the difficulty of feeling misunderstood and misunderstanding yourself and aims to help others know they are not alone. Rainn has a specific passion for intersectionality and believes we don't exist in a vacuum but rather are a messy galaxy of everything we have experienced internally and externally. Rainn's mission is to help queer folx feel seen and create spaces where we can move out of survival mode and into truly living. Thank you Rainn for your work and your willingness to share your skill and knowledge with the world.
