Neurodiversity and the holidays (Fuck Expectations, Eat Cookies)

Disclaimers: 

Land Acknowledgment: We live and work on the unseated territories of the Wahpekute and Chumash peoples, we pay respects to their elders past and present. We encourage folks to explore the ancestral lands they live and work on, and to learn about the Native communities that live there, the treaties that have been broken. If folks feel called, we encourage them to consider taking actions to support Native communities, reparations, and land back movements (see other resources on the references page).

A note on language: The language in the DSM, including the use of the word disorder (D in acronym), some find this harmful, while others prefer the language “disorder.” When this language is used, it is because, as mental health professionals, we need to use this same language when referring to “diagnoses” in the DSM. In addition some Autistics find the use of the level system helpful in identifying the level of support needed, while others view it as an overly simplistic way of defining something that’s fluid, and may feel it’s harmful and minimizing. The beauty is that each individual gets to choose what language feels validating and affirming to them. Inspired by Dr. Jennifer Mullan, we use the term, “therapy participant” rather than “client” or “patient,” as we work toward decolonizing therapy. 

Educational Purposes: The information presented here is for educational purposes, and not meant to diagnose, treat or cure medical conditions or challenges, including neurodivergence (including mental health challenges), or physical health.

Many people look forward to the holiday season and view it as a time of happiness, togetherness, and traditions— filled with giving, delicious food, and nostalgia. Though, not everyone approaches the holidays with the same level of excitement and joy. For many, the season also brings about mixed emotions or even negative feelings, shaped by life experiences. That is, for some this period can be extremely sad, upsetting, stressful, triggering, and/or overwhelming. There are a variety of reasons why this might be the case, including those who have experienced familial trauma, PTSD, or are no contact with their family. Others may feel misunderstood, unaccepted, and/or torn between multiple homes and family. For neurodivergent individuals and families, the holidays can be a particularly hard and stressful time.

To prepare for the upcoming holiday season, we are going to focus specifically on neurodiversity and the holidays— exploring the ways in which neurodiverse people approach, view, and participate (or not) in holidays. We will also share some reminders and tips to help you make it through the holiday season, such as giving yourself grace and permission to prioritize personal well-being.

An Overwhelming Overview

Holidays can be a stressful time for many, but they can be especially challenging for neurodivergent individuals and families. Regardless of diagnosis, many neurodivergent individuals find themselves feeling overwhelmed by the demands the holiday season brings. These can include the pressure of socialization, family gatherings, shopping, traveling, and the overstimulating sights, sounds, and settings that often accompany this time of year. Travel, in particular, can be a source of significant stress, with the holidays typically involving high volumes of traffic, longer wait times, and more crowded spaces.

I Am So NOT Psyched

Another aspect of the holidays that can contribute to feelings of stress and overwhelm for neurodivergent folks is the feeling that something is “wrong” with us for not sharing the same excitement as others. There might also be feelings of guilt, embarrassment, discomfort, or the feeling of being “different” from others for not expressing our emotions in the same way as our neurotypical family and friends, which may lead to the belief that we aren’t enjoying ourselves or are bringing down the mood. One way that neurodivergent individuals cope with neurotypical social expectations is by masking (or social camouflaging) which protects us from stigma and makes neurotypical individuals more comfortable. Though, for neurodivergent people masking is exhausting and can lead to anxiety, depression, and burnout. It’s important that during the holidays, you try to not feel the pressure to mask and know that however you feel about the holidays is completely normal and okay!

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!

For neurodivergent families, the holiday season can be overstimulating for both the children as well as the parents, who might also share a similar neurotype as their children. Neurodivergent adults who are raising neurodivergent children often experience their own feelings of stress, overwhelm, and/or sensory overload/overstimulation during the holidays. Managing their own feelings in addition to those of their children can be especially hard and might lead to families not participating in certain traditions or gatherings. This period is also one that deviates from normal routine, which can add further stress and disrupt the normalcy and schedule that neurodivergent individuals thrive in.

It's important as a neurodivergent family you remind yourselves to not feel obligated or bad for not doing similar activities or holiday traditions as other families or friends. For example, don’t feel pressure to do “exciting” things such as seeing light shows or going to see Santa (for those who celebrate Christmas). These things can often lead neurodivergent children to become overwhelmed and have sensory meltdowns, followed by other big emotions. Instead, consider more manageable activities such as a holiday craft to do at home, watching a family holiday movie, or making cookies to decorate. Moreover, you could find a holiday-themed sensory activity for your child(ren) to do at home, like making a sensory bin or holiday slime.

Holiday reminders and tips for a less stressful, more manageable holiday season—

Reminders:

• Be gentle with yourself and give yourself grace AND/OR space!

• It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to feel stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, uncomfortable, or even to wish the holidays would be over

• It’s also okay if you find the holidays hard, sad, stressful, or have other mixed emotions surrounding this time of year

• Don’t feel pressure to act or react in the same way as others. Similarly don’t feel the need/pressure to be overly enthused or cheerful

• Don’t feel the need to mask your emotions to “fit in” with neurotypical peers

• If you need to leave a gathering early, take a minute to yourself, or don’t want to participate at all- that is perfectly fine! Setting healthy boundaries and knowing your limits is important

Helpful tips:

• Plan ahead of time and prioritize the traditions and gatherings you want to participate in, while ensuring you and your family’s needs are met. If you have children, include them in the planning and get their input around what they feel comfortable or uncomfortable with and have a plan for if they become overwhelmed or overstimulated

• Don’t try to force yourself to have positive emotions or to be overly excited or enthused because you feel like you have to

• If you don’t feel comfortable hugging family members, remember that you don’t have to! Sometimes you can feel a sort of “pressure” to conform to social norms such as hugging, especially around the holidays, but remember that you can make healthy boundaries like offering a handshake instead or simply saying hello

• You might consider thinking of a few responses to questions that you foresee being asked ahead of time, to help think of a “script” and ease anxiety around socializing

• The holidays can be a time where people consume more alcohol, which might be triggering if you don’t drink, are sober, or grew up around alcoholism, for example. No matter the case, know that it is totally alright to choose not to drink, or to limit your consumption of alcohol. You might also consider looking up a non-alcoholic beverage such as hot or sparkling apple cider to drink as an alternative

• If your family goes to religious services during the holidays that you feel uncomfortable with or would rather not participate in, maybe opt to stay home and get a head start on cooking/baking, or another activity you are comfortable with

• You know yourself best– if you don’t feel comfortable, able, or simply don’t want to participate in an activity or gathering, give yourself the grace and permission to listen to yourself and arrive late, leave early, or not participate at all

Ultimately, throughout this holiday season remember to give yourself grace and practice gentleness with yourself! Whether that means leaving early, walking away when overstimulated, or opting for a handshake instead of a hug, do whatever you need to have a tolerable (and manageable) holiday season! For neurodivergent families, don’t feel pressured into participating in overstimulating activities. Rather, consider at home activities that are still fun and holiday-themed, but that don’t push your kids into sensory meltdown and overwhelm. At the end of the day, try to have a tolerable holiday and find ways to connect with friends and family, without compromising your mental health.

Best wishes during this holiday season, from the Neuron & Rose family 🤍And fuck conventionality: do what makes your ND heart happy. We love you as you are. 

References

 (n.d.). Neurodiversity and holidays. Diverse Diagnostics. https://diversediagnostics.co.uk/neurodiversity-and-the-holidays/

 Neff, M. A. (n.d.). Autism and the holidays. Neurodivergent Insights. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/neurodivergent-holiday-reflections

 Schrader, J. (2023). Neurodivergent holidays: Set boundaries for your well-being. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-neurodivergence/202312/neurodivergent-holidays-set-boundaries-for-your-wellbeing